It dawned on me. I found it

There are defining moments in life that make you.

There are goals you just have to reach that unveil you.

The real you.

Somewhere along the path of what my life has been I was miscarried. I was going nowhere .Everything was in pause and I was waiting for something to happen without realizing that I was the only one who could press the play button again. I watched people changing their lives every day and I said to myself “when I finally have my dream body I’ll be happy and everything will change”,” when I have a boyfriend I will be happy “,”when everyone admires me my life will be perfect”,” when my parents get back together this squeezing pain in my chest will finally go away”. I spent weeks and months and years thinking like this but never doing anything about it. The year of 2011 changed my life in a matter of months. If I look back to January I wouldn’t be able to recognize the superficial face I had. The look of unhappiness, the look of a grieving but not yet knowing it girl. It is so often that people are suffering and they don’t even realize it, that we accept this state of mind and pass it as normal and we even believe we are really okay that we should stop playing victims and just cope with it. Everyone has problems after all, even bigger. And that’s where we go wrong. We don’t have to accept it! It is okay to feel. It is okay to talk. It is okay to cry. And it is okay to ask for help. It is your life after all and you decide how you are going to live it and how you will see yourself as. So many parents make the mistake of telling children not to feel  and they don’t even know it, trying to calm them when they  cry .Why not just letting them cry? Letting them feel? Letting them find peace and letting it all out.

Somewhere along the path of my life I lost myself. Somehow I saw myself as someone inferior to practically everyone. Somehow I didn’t see myself as the perfect being I am and the healthy, happy and beautiful girl I could be. There’s a glow in people, a joyous overwhelming glow, which bursts out of them when they finally know what is missing in their lives. I’m not talking about material things; I’m not talking about people. I’m most definitely sure that when people find themselves for the first time the glow takes over them. I was pondering, meditating call it what you may. One of those times when you are waiting and you find your mind drifting away, When you are at a point in life when you have taken action and changed completely but haven’t really realized it yet,  and suddenly I knew it. I had made it. I had finally taken charge of my life and changed it. Sure it had taken exercising and dieting to start this all over change, but I started it, I endured, and I succeeded. It wasn’t just physical, but by changing this small aspect of who I was I started to change from the inside too. I started to believe in myself and now I find that I can be everything I want to be. I find that life is mine to mold. The world is my playground. And I am taking over it.

While running towards nowhere, outside feeling the hard, wet pavement under the soles of my Nikes, running as hard as I could, the small drops of water left from rain on the branches of the trees smashing against my face. Air buzzing and whirring past my face. Breathless. Heaving. My strained leg muscles starting to tire and feeling the ache creep up from my ankles to my calves. An explosion of fresh air hitting my lungs filling my body with renewed strength. I stopped. I smiled to myself. I felt a hot tiny tear slide across my cheek to my trembling lips, because for the first time I finally accepted myself. For the first time I could be myself. No reservations, no limitations, no pauses. I was finally letting go, I was finally free again.

What I had been looking for, all of this time was right inside of me waiting to be acknowledged. I felt warmth feel my body at that exact moment and I knew then that it was never leaving me. I know right now as I sit in front of my computer in my blue faded jeans with my black hair all over the place, my body warm and my olive skin glowing that it is never going to leave me. What I have found and what I have realized is myself. That is pure gold. It is never going to leave me now, I can feel it like a river leaving its warm water behind and its currents washing away everything that is stopping me. Passing through me and taking it away, never to come back again. Leaving in its wake hope, strength and beauty. Nurturing my soul. Pushing me forward.